Universal Health Care Program Code-name: BOB

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A small yet up and coming French research institute, L'institut de la recherche opportune (LRO), has released information on a breakthrough new vaccine created by the blood of U.S. President Elect Barack Obama. Project code-named Blood of Barack Obama (BOB) is said to cure many of today's problems, both medical and social. 

"It ees really very amazing," said one French researcher, "Ze BOB ees a medical breakthrough like none we 'ave seen before. Mister Obama 'as already geeven ze world so much goodness. Eet only makes sense zat ees blood would give as much."
BOB has only been tested on a handful of illnesses thus far with a nearly 100% cure rate. Tuberculosis, small pox, and rabies have all been deemed harmless thanks to the healing properties of the BOB treatment. Without BOB, nearly .005 % of the world's population might have been adversely affected by these already cured diseases. Only AIDS, cancer, heart disease and the cold virus remain unaffected by the BOB treatment. However hope remains that a genetically altered version of BOB could one day cure these problems given enough research, money, time, deaths, and someone who actually gives a damn. 

The medical powers of President Obama's blood aside, this breakthrough drug has the ability to stimulate positive changes in the U.S. and indeed the world. Once injected with BOB, subjects became more economically responsible, socially conscious, and experienced either a penile or breast augmentation of up to two inches or an entire cup size. With Americans spending more responsibly, caring more openly, and giving more sexually, we've seen an increase in the number of STD transmissions across the board. Hot chicks are now significantly more generous with less attractive men, having seen the need for charity in these difficult times. With breast augmentation costs significantly decreased, prostitutes are passing along the savings to their John's and men are paying for sex at a fraction of the cost. Is there any problem BOB can't cure? It seems unlikely. Now if only we can find a way to inject BOB into the economy, the War on Terror, the education system, the energy industry, and the jugular vein of Paris Hilton and other less than upstanding members of society, President Elect Barack Obama will have fulfilled the promises he made on the campaign trail. President Obama, be sure to keep your blood sugar up, if it hasn't already, that office is going to be draining every ounce of blood you have.