Threat Assessment #1: Stingrays

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Gazelle and I spent the better part of our summer swimming in the surf at our favorite local beach. What is the last thing one might want to encounter on a beautiful summer beach day?

Fear mongers.

Yet on many occasions we were warned by random beach-goers of the eminent danger presented by stingrays. Just today, some dudes took it upon themselves to let us know that stingrays are out there. These mongers shortly left the beach due to their overwhelming fear. What aspect of my life are the fear mongers going to inflitrate next? Wait, is there anywhere left?

But seriously folks.

Friday, November 14, 2008

protest graphic

If a picture is worth a thousand words and the pen is mightier than the many words is a flash animation worth? And what is an adobe illustrator graphic mightier than?

Someone please help me to update these aphorisms to better fit the 21st century's multimedia reality.

Surviving the Attack on Marriage

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The following is a message from the Provincial Righteous Union of Devout Evangelicals (PRUDE):

Americans Unite!

Our beautiful tradition of marriage is under attack by the left-wing, tree loving, Madonna worshiping, homosensuals. We had a small victory this November the 4th, for now at least the "gays" will not be able to spend their lives together in a legally binding union. We can thank two groups for the victory that was Proposition 8. Firstly our friends to the East, the Mormons, donated not only a godly 9.5 million dollars, but their "time and money" in the hopes of passing Prop 8. We are very fortunate the Mormon Church, like all churches, hold a tax-exempt status so that such monetary donations can be made possible. The separation of church and state simply means that the government cannot interfere with our religion. Not that we cannot interfere with the government, (as is written not only in the constitution, but in the bible!) Therefore, we must continue to fight for our right to tax exemption as to maintain our control of the American political system. The second group of people we can thank for this victory, have had quite a colorful history, though now we can embrace them as brothas and sisters. Once they worked happily in our homes, but now that Barack Obama has been elected president we can welcome them into our club of morality, (just so long as they stay out of trouble). Afterall, American is strong because morality comes before equality. That's right, the African American community is largely to thank for passing Prop 8. In fact, thanks to our robo calling utilizing President-Elect Obama's voice, 67% of the African-American community in California voted Yes on Prop 8! Praise Jesus! The African-American community really is equal to us now because they too take part in the usurpation of the more sinful minority's rights! Oh glory day!

The battle only begins here my friends...

In order to fully protect marriage, I hate to say it but we must usurp the status quo rights of the two groups who made Prop 8 possible. We are grateful that they see the need to protect marriage and we are sure they will understand the need to make these sacrifices in order to make and keep marriage as pure as possible. In order to do this we must do the following:

  1. Re-institute a ban on interacial marriage. If god wanted blacks and white to marry, Eve would have had a sun tan.
  2. Ban polygamous marriage and prosecute those who seek to enagage in such sin. Sorry to the Mormon community, but your men will no longer be able to marry 12 or more thirteen year old girls.
  3. Finally and quite possibly most importantly, we must BAN DIVORCE. The bible is quite clear...Divorce is a sin, and as such we cannot allow it to pervert our Christian society.
Thanks for all your hard work friends. I know through faith and deliberance we can stop the perversion of the "progressive movement". Amen.

This message brought to you by PRUDE. Click here to visit our website and donate money and if you're a true believer your undying soul.

Everyday Rules for the Survivalist, #3 Secure the Perimeter

Monday, October 27, 2008

Secure the Perimeter!

No this is not just something your LT says to you when entering enemy territory. Instead consider this. While we in no way condone fear mongering, the fact is danger is ever present. Terrorism, tsunamis, mud slides, fire storms, SARS, need I say more? Due to this ever present danger it is better to be prepared than caught with your pants down. First, know your exits as well as your primary and secondary (sometimes tertiary), modes of evacuation. Don't get stuck in a box you can't get out of.

This rule was born through an engagement with a tenacious enemy, the Larus pacificus. This brutal enemy not only will consume small children, but also completely destroy a campsite. PocketKnife and I endured a serious invasion by the pacificus at our training compound. These vile creatures are always vigilant and are attracted to human food. Even a crumb left unchecked will entice an army of monsters to attack on the spot.

Your defense? SECURE THE PERIMITER. Do not leave food/water unattended. You will only be gone for a matter of minutes before your basecamp is overrun and retreat is your only option. Engaging this enemy in battle is pure suicide. Be ware.


A Financial Crisis Parable

Sunday, October 5, 2008

(Please forgive my ignorance of economic jargon and enjoy this parable of cronyism and corruption.)

Let's set up the characters:
You will be playing the neoconservative leaders (and potential leaders) of our country.
Your house will be standing in for the American economy.
Mr. Greed E. Skoundrul will play the role of any of these failing financial institutions, you choose.

Story time:
Your good ole friend, Mr. Greed E Skoundrul, helped you get to be who you are today. For example, he probably lobbied your spouse to accept your proposal, slipped you extra cash when you were between jobs, etc. etc. Naturally, you returned the favor and offer Greed a place to stay when he asked. The guest room is a true honor, since your house is (or at least was) the best in the neighborhood. You wouldn't dare put any stipulations or limitations on this great honor because he's your friend. No one wants to seem a stickler to his or her friends and your not above this kind of exchange of favors that makes the world go 'round. Plus, you're ideologically against making rules for housemates.

If only you could have seen this coming...
Mr. Skoundrul calls you from jail and begrudingly tells you a horrific story. Not only does your pal, come housemate, need your help securing bail, but he also burned down your house. Now, some might say, 'hindsight is 20/20,' but doesn't it sound like some simple ground rules or oversight could have helped you to avoid this situation? Maybe simple rules like, 'no drug dealing from my house,' or even 'no hot plates in your room' could have at least kept this irresponsible friend from taking advantage of your hospitality.

What's done is done - you need to rebuild, right? Take care of the house and resound yourself to not letting this jerk or any other take advantage of your hospitality again. Let the law punish your former-friend, Greed, while you learn from your mistake. Your therapist reminds you that rules and regulations set appropriate boundaries for functional relationships and should be applied to everyone, especially friends. But you can't help bail him out and borrow against the mortgage of your (burnt down) house to do so. Then, you go out for drinks with Mr. Skoundrul and talk about your mutual disdain for all those critics who just don't get your friendship.

That sure sounds happily ever after. But did I forget to mention Joe Smallbusinessowner drowning in the backyard pool as the house caught ablaze? Yeah, but Greed's fire made for better television, so Joe should have found a more extravagant way to go's his own fault...really.

Moral of the story is...wait, there are too many. You decide.

Everyday Rules for the Survivalist, #2: Maintain Hydration

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The human body can only survive 3 days without water. This means that from the moment you stop drinking water, your game diminishes. If your opponent or enemy has consumed water more recently than you, they are at an advantage. Maintaining hydration augments not only motor functions but cognitive ability. Obviously keeping your body full of good old H2O will help insure your survival in any situation.

If this rule for survival is not taken seriously, the alternative is dire. A little thing we experts refer to as dehydration. This debilitating condition has numerous symptoms. Of these include: extreme thirst, loss of appetite, dry skin, skin flushing, dark colored urine, dry mouth, fatique/weakness, chills, & headrushes. And this is only at 2% dehydration! If you think you're at risk for dehydration you can read more here:

My partner in crime, so to speak, Pocket Knife, first alerted me to the serious nature of hydration at our local all terrain training compound. Here I experienced one or more of the aforementioned symptoms and I was unable to compete and perform to my normal ability. Thankfully, because of our genetic superiority, I still outperformed the rookie personnel who were at the compound that day. However, had I been out in the real world, and not in training, the outcome could have been disastrous.

Finally America, please drink water. You can drink plain water or you can try an enhanced supplement like Gatorade...the only problem is sweating colorful juices makes you extra visible to satellite imaging.

Today's blog is brought to you by Gatorade.

Everyday Rules for the Survivalist, #1: Trust Your Instincts

Friday, September 26, 2008

Why would you trust someone else's instincts instead of your own? Has the weatherman/woman really had a consistent record of correct predictions? Not likely. Don't allow yourself to depend on these people who feign expertise because, more often than not, your instincts are more reliable.

FYI - This rule is not limited to meteorlogical judgement. Your instincts can have as broad of an application as you let them. Gazelle often employs this rule in a myriad of interpersonal situations, while I most enjoy this rule's applicability to navigational conundrums.

Everyday Rules for the Survivalist

Thursday, September 25, 2008

1. Trust your instincts.
2. Maintain hydration.
3. Secure the perimeter.
4. Adapt, remain calm, and readapt.
5. Play to win.

Write these down. Make flashcards if you must.

Surviving McCain's Conspiracy

Monday, September 8, 2008

It has recently come to my attention that John McCain is taking over the world. My international and domestic sources confirm that this is true. How is he doing this you may ask? Well I have the proof here for you today. SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES! My sources tell me that the McCain family has invested the remainder of their considerable fortune buying up all the crosswalk push-buttons of America...

Take a Look.

By buying these simple devices that the American public sees and uses every day, they are being secretly influenced on a subliminal level to vote for John McCain. There is nothing the American people can do but resist as strongly as possible the inexplicable urge to push the button labeled McCain at the voting booth, just as everyday we push the button labeled McCain to cross the streets of America. This ingenious plot may result in yet another election fiasco. This time, instead of the voting machines being manipulated, we find the American people themselves are the ones tampered with.


Mission Statement

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Survivalist Manifesto represents the refusal to accept the current status quo of fear as a political and commercial tool. We know that, as human beings, survival carries great instinctual and intellectual weight. Empty and exaggerated claims by the media, the government, and many corporations try to threaten that survival in order to provoke a desired action from the masses. We resent this manipulation and have chosen to offer up an alternative.

We will decide what it is we are afraid of and prepare accordingly. This will instill confidence to replace the fear, thus limiting the cycle of fear permeating our society. That which we are told to be afraid of is entirely unrelated to the actual degree of danger that we face.

The current political climate, though overrun with double-talk and cronyism, allows political agendas (mostly fear) to be easily propagated via the wide variety of media outlets. It may be necessary to remind everyone that the media lies, exaggerates, and sensationalizes to such a degree that it's difficult to find actual journalism out there. The lying, though irritating, is hardly the most disturbing part of the media's relationship with the public. The consistency of fear mongering and propaganda on our daily television and radio waves causes more and more fear to brew amongst the people. People who are so incessantly afraid are easily manipulated. Therefore, we at the Survivalist Manifesto choose to ignore what we are told to be afraid of and choose our own fears. Then, we decide the best courses of action in preparedness for our own fears and can make better choices.

It would please us a great deal to hear of readers already adept enough at critical thinking, which is something of intrinsically great value. Most likely, these critical thinkers can already discern fearful things from those that are not. If this describes you, please feel free to use this blog as a thought provoking forum on the subject and we will gladly entertain all constructive criticisms on our manifesto.

If we lost you at "the media lies, exaggerates, and sensationalizes to such a great degree," please see the Daily Show for anecdotal evidence.