Universal Health Care Program Code-name: BOB

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A small yet up and coming French research institute, L'institut de la recherche opportune (LRO), has released information on a breakthrough new vaccine created by the blood of U.S. President Elect Barack Obama. Project code-named Blood of Barack Obama (BOB) is said to cure many of today's problems, both medical and social. 

"It ees really very amazing," said one French researcher, "Ze BOB ees a medical breakthrough like none we 'ave seen before. Mister Obama 'as already geeven ze world so much goodness. Eet only makes sense zat ees blood would give as much."
BOB has only been tested on a handful of illnesses thus far with a nearly 100% cure rate. Tuberculosis, small pox, and rabies have all been deemed harmless thanks to the healing properties of the BOB treatment. Without BOB, nearly .005 % of the world's population might have been adversely affected by these already cured diseases. Only AIDS, cancer, heart disease and the cold virus remain unaffected by the BOB treatment. However hope remains that a genetically altered version of BOB could one day cure these problems given enough research, money, time, deaths, and someone who actually gives a damn. 

The medical powers of President Obama's blood aside, this breakthrough drug has the ability to stimulate positive changes in the U.S. and indeed the world. Once injected with BOB, subjects became more economically responsible, socially conscious, and experienced either a penile or breast augmentation of up to two inches or an entire cup size. With Americans spending more responsibly, caring more openly, and giving more sexually, we've seen an increase in the number of STD transmissions across the board. Hot chicks are now significantly more generous with less attractive men, having seen the need for charity in these difficult times. With breast augmentation costs significantly decreased, prostitutes are passing along the savings to their John's and men are paying for sex at a fraction of the cost. Is there any problem BOB can't cure? It seems unlikely. Now if only we can find a way to inject BOB into the economy, the War on Terror, the education system, the energy industry, and the jugular vein of Paris Hilton and other less than upstanding members of society, President Elect Barack Obama will have fulfilled the promises he made on the campaign trail. President Obama, be sure to keep your blood sugar up, if it hasn't already, that office is going to be draining every ounce of blood you have.


Fire Preparedness is Important

Friday, February 20, 2009

And Dwight Shrute is our hero.

Safe Travel Essentials

Found this list among some of my new outdoor gear. Authored by REI:

1. Navigation
2. Hydration
3. Nutrition
4. Sun Protection
5. Insulation
6. Warmth
7. Illumination
8. First Aid
9. Shelter
10. Whistle

It seems to align fairly well with our manifesto. Especially since navigation falls under instinct (especially when you have a natural sense of direction). I think the whistle part sounds rather absurd, but it worked for Kate Winslet in Titanic. That's all the validation this survivalist needs.

It is Valentine's Day.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Threat Assessment #1: Stingrays

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Gazelle and I spent the better part of our summer swimming in the surf at our favorite local beach. What is the last thing one might want to encounter on a beautiful summer beach day?

Fear mongers.

Yet on many occasions we were warned by random beach-goers of the eminent danger presented by stingrays. Just today, some dudes took it upon themselves to let us know that stingrays are out there. These mongers shortly left the beach due to their overwhelming fear. What aspect of my life are the fear mongers going to inflitrate next? Wait, is there anywhere left?

But seriously folks.

Friday, November 14, 2008

protest graphic

If a picture is worth a thousand words and the pen is mightier than the sword...how many words is a flash animation worth? And what is an adobe illustrator graphic mightier than?

Someone please help me to update these aphorisms to better fit the 21st century's multimedia reality.

Surviving the Attack on Marriage

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The following is a message from the Provincial Righteous Union of Devout Evangelicals (PRUDE):

Americans Unite!

Our beautiful tradition of marriage is under attack by the left-wing, tree loving, Madonna worshiping, homosensuals. We had a small victory this November the 4th, for now at least the "gays" will not be able to spend their lives together in a legally binding union. We can thank two groups for the victory that was Proposition 8. Firstly our friends to the East, the Mormons, donated not only a godly 9.5 million dollars, but their "time and money" in the hopes of passing Prop 8. We are very fortunate the Mormon Church, like all churches, hold a tax-exempt status so that such monetary donations can be made possible. The separation of church and state simply means that the government cannot interfere with our religion. Not that we cannot interfere with the government, (as is written not only in the constitution, but in the bible!) Therefore, we must continue to fight for our right to tax exemption as to maintain our control of the American political system. The second group of people we can thank for this victory, have had quite a colorful history, though now we can embrace them as brothas and sisters. Once they worked happily in our homes, but now that Barack Obama has been elected president we can welcome them into our club of morality, (just so long as they stay out of trouble). Afterall, American is strong because morality comes before equality. That's right, the African American community is largely to thank for passing Prop 8. In fact, thanks to our robo calling utilizing President-Elect Obama's voice, 67% of the African-American community in California voted Yes on Prop 8! Praise Jesus! The African-American community really is equal to us now because they too take part in the usurpation of the more sinful minority's rights! Oh glory day!

The battle only begins here my friends...

In order to fully protect marriage, I hate to say it but we must usurp the status quo rights of the two groups who made Prop 8 possible. We are grateful that they see the need to protect marriage and we are sure they will understand the need to make these sacrifices in order to make and keep marriage as pure as possible. In order to do this we must do the following:

  1. Re-institute a ban on interacial marriage. If god wanted blacks and white to marry, Eve would have had a sun tan.
  2. Ban polygamous marriage and prosecute those who seek to enagage in such sin. Sorry to the Mormon community, but your men will no longer be able to marry 12 or more thirteen year old girls.
  3. Finally and quite possibly most importantly, we must BAN DIVORCE. The bible is quite clear...Divorce is a sin, and as such we cannot allow it to pervert our Christian society.
Thanks for all your hard work friends. I know through faith and deliberance we can stop the perversion of the "progressive movement". Amen.

This message brought to you by PRUDE. Click here to visit our website and donate money and if you're a true believer your undying soul.